I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize