i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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