What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
