I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
