I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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