I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
