i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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