We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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