theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
