We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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