the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
