I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
