I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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