He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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