I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
