dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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