I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize