Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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