There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
