Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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