He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
