She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
