It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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