I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
