True but thats because hes a fetus.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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