I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
