Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize