i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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