Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize