I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
