I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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