I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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