Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
