i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
