You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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