i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
