dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize