the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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