That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
