I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
