I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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