I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
