I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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