I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
