I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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