big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize