I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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