My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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