My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
