apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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