Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
