There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
