just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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