I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
