I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize