jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
