If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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