I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
