I wish I could teleport
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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