Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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