She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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