my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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