hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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