We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dear god my vagina.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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