Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
