I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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