your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I FOUND THE LEGS
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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